Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
