Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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