The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
