The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
