How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
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The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
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I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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