i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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