I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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