I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
