The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
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sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
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Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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