Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
