I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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