btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
