In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
