and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
