I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
A+ Viking dick
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
