When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
