A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
