I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize