He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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