She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
