Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
