and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
