im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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