I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
