i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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