You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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