sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
