def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
