you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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