hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My penis needs a shock collar
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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