Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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