I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
My vagina just recognized that song.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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