If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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