Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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