And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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