shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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