I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
