Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
