The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
