Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
