I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
