just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
