The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
