I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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