Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
