I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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