My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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