my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
