I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
