woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
