Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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