Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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