It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
