pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
It was like getting head from an anaconda
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
