I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
