The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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