dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
